February 5th, 2010

February 5th, 2010 § 0

“I feel like slow dancing, in a room by myself.
To the sounds of love.
Because I am in love.
And people in love, they listen….

They listen…to
Anita, Sade, Al B. Sure, Maxwell, Selena.
They listen to those songs, that ooze, pooze, and fall over…
in love.

They lose themselves in the color of a fresh pink rose.
They feel their frailty, like a sheet over skin.
They feel their love, like a lingering dream.

I feel….love.
Though it’s not here.
So, when are things going to be normal again?”

“When are you going to move on?” asked the voice.
“I am,” said Ms. Fluff. “A little bit, everyday”.
The voice gave a disapproving silence. Ms.Fluff only thought of how much, she wished Savannah would come sooner, rather then later. As she clicked the app, to her facebook she could only gaze wonderingly at the display box:

On this day of your life, Danielle, we believe God wants you to know ... that the way you treat others is the way you treat yourself. “True respect for another comes from self respect. True love for another comes from self love. True forgiveness for another comes from self forgiveness.”

February 4th, 2010

February 4th, 2010 § 0

I spoke to Denise, and she asked me if I had a list. I said no, forgetting I had written one just before the New Year. For some reason, I was full of words. I felt the need, to put to paper what it was, I wanted and needed in a partner. I sat for a while, writing it all down in the notes of my iPhone (which has now been restored and locked, thanks to iTunes 9.0). My words are missing now. But, I still know what it is, that I want and need in my heart. The ideal person, to come into my life. Someone who can make me, feel a love that presses past this world, into something magic.

“The man of my dreams, …He’s artistic, creative, and unique in personality, point of view, and his approach to life. He’s got style. He’s quirky, and enough of a geek to create his own world, and
is just like him. Only he has integrity. He’s true to himself. He’s not afraid of challenge. He has a backbone, and is willing to do the right thing, all the time. He’s a family man. Driven. True to his word. Loves little family traditions like driving to the parents house, on Sundays. Or taking family vacations down south. He’s honest. Genuine. Caring. Considerate. Loving, supportive, and tender. He’s faithful. Devoted. Kind, and sweet. Protective unto death. He’s an excellent provider for our family. When he holds my hand, to say prayer at the dinner table, his palms are warm. When he smiles, the corners of his mouth wrinkle just a bit. His smell, is intoxicatingly good, and fills my senses with passion. He’s loyal. Loving..and then some. He’s my hero.

The man of my dreams, knows I’m the woman of his. He loves me, more then his own life. And, I’ll feel the same way about him. He’d break his own heart, before he broke mine. His eyes are shining and intent. It’s easy to see, how he feels when he looks at me. It makes me smile, whenever I notice him glancing. So, he makes it a habit to do it all the time. Right before he grabs me, and forces me into a playful tussel, that leads into lovemaking. He’ll make me feel alive again. I’ll come back to life, and love will be what I always dreamed it would be. ..Because of him.♥”

Thats all for now. It’s hard, trying to put the magic back together, and hope it’ll go right this time.

January 27th, 2010

January 27th, 2010 § 0

Schools back! I have 3 Dimensional Design tomorrow, and I’m excited enough, I suppose. I wish I had my degree already. It’s the only thing stopping me, from teaching and really getting some serious money, doing something I’d love.

January’s end is at the door knocking. It seemed to go by slow, and fast at the same time. Recently, I’ve been dealing with some of my leftover emotions. They say, you never really stop loving someone. I guess I have enough of it, to still make me angry. And, that’s still probably saying it lightly. I wish there were a pill, or prescription to end a bad experience with someone. The more everything that happened comes to mind, the more angry I become. Stifling angry. The kind that chokes you up, and could kill you. Maybe kill is too final a word. Being killed, would at least be an end. I’m something much more deformed, and devastated then that. I feel as if, my soul were violently mutilated and left for dead. And, despite the natural law of life, my body is still existing for the purpose of “moving on”. It’s going to school. It’s going to work. It’s starting a business. And, it’s blankly aware of the stimulus, it’s achievement is causing.
I googled “letting go”, earlier this week. After searching through the results, I found a page that seemed to sum up something. It stated that, resentment, hate, or anger is often attributed to repressed feelings. That, somehow what we wanted to say, was never spoken. So rather then throwing out the flame, we held it. Or worse, swallowed it, and burned our insides raw. I’m so angry. Because the entire experience killed me. And, now I’m just like him. Dead, to my own success, and all the good that’s happening. But perhaps it’s worse. Because I feel, as though I’m playing pretend, that I’m alive.

I don’t want to feel nothing. I want to be alive. And I want my murderer to feel, what he made me feel, one day soon. I don’t want to feel, these fucked up feelings anymore. I just want to breathe, and be happy again like when I first came to this planet.

I don’t plan, on ever seeing him again. So, in that regard, everything I should have ever said to him, I’ll post little by little as it comes. Here’s to healing.

January 25th, 2010

January 24th, 2010 § 1

I’ve been thinking allot, about aging. Whenever my friends, used to bring up how afraid they were of it, I always blew them off. I figured that aging is just a part of life. Why run from it? I haven’t changed my mind, concerning the issue. But, the thought of losing my appearance, to gravity, is a little disturbing. What frightens me most, is having to be dependent again. Most seniors need help, to get around. And nursing homes, are a nightmare come true. Why do we stuff people, into cold empty buildings just because they’ve aged? They’re not items to be thrown away. People who do that, often forget that eventually, they’ll get old too.
Vanity is mostly the fear, behind getting old for most. Not that a small degree of vanity is bad. But, when you go Janice Dickinson botox-crazy, I think it’s a definite issue. I’m going to be more conscious of how I treat my body. It’s going to be with me for a long time, and I’d like for it to be working extremely well, until I depart from it. In-between gyming, and eating right I think I might splurge on this. You can’t go wrong with fresh. At least, I think so.

P.S
What if you planned to fall in love soon, and someone was still in your heart? Would you find them, and tell them what was going to happen, and see if they would beg you not to? Because, they loved you and really never meant to let you go? Or would you realize, thats just a fantasy. That maybe, you should accept the obvious. That you should find the love, that won’t hesitate to love you back. The situation is really simple. But, hearts seem to be everything, except that. Any ideas?

January 24th, 2010

January 24th, 2010 § 0

Is it really 3a.m?

I’m full of mimosa and Thai cuisine, and feeling bubbly. Summer is going to be very dangerous for me indeed, if I keep things up at this rate. In all honesty, I haven’t done so much. But, I feel looser and more flexible, as far as what life has made available to me. It’s the little things that count now. A dinner with friends. My new sense of style. Doing my hair. Making my eyes shimmer, with the new M.A.C shadow. For some reason, I’m envisioning myself with rosy plastic frames, for the Spring. They’re much more feminine then the noir black ones I have. Without a doubt, money will be the deciding factor, for that. How I wish, my new career would appear. I long, to be independent financially, and begin life unscripted. More importantly, I long to have my own apartment, where I can experience my own intimate adventures for 2010.

  I received notice, from AKA that I will have to seek membership in another chapter. Lambda, unfortunately isn’t in my vicinity. I’m a little concerned now, because the Lambda chapter seemed to have the older members. Usually I do well, with older women. The response to someone my age, with focus and ambition, is usually maternal. I figured I’d be able to pledge, without too much hassle. Unfortunately, the ladies in the Alpha Mu chapter, (that register closer to me), seem significantly younger. The first name of the Alpha Mu chapter leader, is Princess. A little off-putting. But, I’ll reserve judgement until I meet them. I intend to participate in the events, they have open to the public. I’m interested in not only what they can do for me, but what they represent and stand for. This sorority thing, is more then just contacts for me. I feel that it should stand for something, deeper. If women can manage to connect, for the common good  or cause we could change the world. Hopefully, that’s what these ladies are all about.

I finished the card, for Frank’s godparents anniversary. Nowhere near A+ work. But, I suppose it’s passing for now. I hope they like it, or at least give an honest critique of what they think. If I plan to compete in the invitation business, I’d better level, with the competition. I’m aiming high. After meeting up, we headed to a comedy club, where I was turned away for lack of I.D. I know, I know. How could I roam this place, without sufficient identification. This week, I’ll make sure to remedy that. Frank had people waiting for him inside, so I told him to meet me in the nearby cafe after. The show was only two hours, so I munched on a berry tart, and browsed the wares of my competitors. Ceci Invitations definitely has the right stuff! If I could manage to do what they do, and charge half the cost I’d be set.

Tomorrow, I’ll work on brainstorming designs, for my mother’s co-worker. I’m so excited for her! The save the dates, will have to be done first. I’m thinking of something done in vellum. Light, and inviting before the grand entrance of the invite.

My last wish before bed, is for another mimosa. So tasty.

Night! :)

January 22nd, 2010

January 22nd, 2010 § 0

Happy Birthday Mommy! So glad, you loved your blue roses.

Have you ever had the feeling, that God was trying to tell you something? I think He’s telling me, to prepare for love. I would hope so. My desire is to experience the real thing. The real version of love. The kind that’s worth waiting for, has tangible results, and is long lasting.  Endearing, bonded, soul mate love that counts for more then what we’d ever imagine. I’m putting out the energy, to bring it all my way. More importantly, I’m taking lessons I’ve learned from past experiences. Wisdom say’s, “Going around the same tree, leads to familiar places”. I’m in pursuit of better lands, where lychee grows from orange trees.

I’m so sleepy. I stupidly uploaded the latest iTunes, and it locked my iPhone. If I can’t crack it myself, I may have to shell out some cash to have it done. Won’t that be fun *eye roll*? It wouldn’t be so much of a problem, if my contract had expired with my current carrier. I think once it does, I’ll move to another network, with more reliable coverage.  Sitting on the bed, while turning my spine in  a ninety-degree angle, and lifting my big toe, is NOT a decent way to get reception. What really worried me, was the alarm not going off. I haven’t purchased a decent alarm clock yet. And, being late is a major NO! So, my method of waking up on time, was to drink three bottles of water. I figured I’d sleep in-between, and every two hours go to the bathroom. Much to my relief  (and disgust), I woke up at 5a.m, and waited in bed until the next hour. Just, as I was dozing, the alarm went off. ….*sigh*.  Adding tired, to my already exhausted frame I went to work. The only encouragement came from knowing, today was Friday. That…and the incredibly cute guy, who happened to just be at my site today. he did most of the staring, but I approached him with some cute girl steez, which I really didn’t mean to leak! Despite that, he didn’t bite. And, that was fine. I’d heard through the grapevine he wasn’t into black girls. I’m hoping it’s just hearsay. After all, chocolate is delicious.

On a more serious note, looking at the women men find most attractive, I find that black women aren’t very high on that list. How many men, would marry a black lady? Or date a black lady? It’s dis-heartening to say the least. The rate of married black women, is much lower, then any other group of women. Media representation, and steroetypes seem to cast us as more of a “fetish”, to be explored. The best examply of my frustration at his, was in high school. For some reason, all the black boys were fixated on puerto rican girls. It was like an obsession. An insulting one. I’m not against loving someone, of a different background. But, to totally alienate and make unfair comparisons based on appearance, mannerisims, and claiming one shade of woman to be better then the other? …It has stayed with me, for some time. I find this treatment most hurtful, from younger black men. How can you call the mirror image of yourself inferior? I am not a fetish. Not a baby’s mama, a statistic, or anything else other then what I am. I’m a living temple of love and solace. And, I expect to be treated as such.

As I try to push past the B.S, I remind myself that God is good. And all He asks, is that I believe. So, here’s to doing just that. Until my own tailor-made mister comes a courtin’. Tomorrow should be better. I’ll finish my commissioned card, go to a hookah bar, and watch some friends perform at a comedy club. Maybe, I can slip in a samosa, somewhere in-between.

Have a fun weekend!
:)

January 21st, 2010

January 21st, 2010 § 1

I have new essential toys! A Kodak digital camera, and some more fresh to keep me smelling sweet. This sugar stuff is addictive! After a crazy day of running from work to downtown, I’m ready to fall into the suds of some Youki-Hi.

Ciao, for now.

D.W

January 20th, 2010

January 20th, 2010 § 4

I’m happy! I got my computer back yesterday!

It’s filled with all kinds of neat things! I’m now functioning on Windows 7, coloring on Adobe CS4, and have Rosetta Stone 2007 (in every language)! Franky brought it over to my place, last night. He was nice enough to upload some games, as well. I’ll be experiencing Guild Wars for the first time, since having to delete my WoW account. For some reason, people look shocked when I mention playing WoW. I’m not a certified gamer girl. But, I value the spirit of  play and participate often. I also uploaded the drivers for my tablet, so I’m back into the drawing business. Amazingly, I’m actually happy about that. I think my decade-long art slump, has finally receded. I find myself dabbling and doodling more often now, and it’s become fun. I’ve already gotten offers from a few friends, to join their art server. In addition to that, I have a card request due Sunday, and the chance to design my first official wedding invitations. The time, couldn’t be better!

Tomorrow is payday, and I’m definately happy about that. Also, my plans for Fluff T.V seem to be coming together. Vista wouldn’t accept the software for the camcorder, I purchased last summer. Thank God, it uploaded smoothly on Windows 7, last night. However, delays always manage to pop up. The last bit of software, required me to plug up the cam. Unfortunately the the cord to the charger also just happened to be missing. I was a little miffed, but at least I know the drivers are working now. I’ll be in business, as soon as I find the cord. With that in mind, I should be doing one essential thing:

Hitting the gym.

If anyone recalls, I was supposed to be uploading my burlesque performances to YouTube. While I’m definately an advocate, for the plush+size woman, I’m also into fitness too. I believe in curves for every woman, and like mine defined. Perhaps I should embrace the same love, I have for Beth Ditto for myself. It’s the little waves and weigh, that make a plump lady lucious. I might just get started, and keep the gym process, as I go along the way. Feedback on this?

I’m off to draw for gym now. Write more tomorrow.

:) +

Things I Hate/Things to Try/Things I Like

January 17th, 2010 § 2

Things I Hate:
You.
Missing you.
Wishing we were together.
Realizing were not.
Sighing, because we never will be.

….Still being broken hearted, in a new year.

—————————————–
THINGS TO TRY:
My new makeup brand is Stila: Clean Hollywood Chic.
My new skincare brand is fresh: I’m the berry smelling girl.
Lychee Berries: Sexy and delicious!
I think I’ll wear my hair natural again, after February
(Girls with whispy brown-sugar curls, are “in” for Spring).

—————————————–
THINGS I LIKE:
Nicole Ritchie & Baby Harlow: Nicole is such a Boho mom. Harlow, had me with her strawberry cheeks, and sunshine locks.
Thai ginger soup, and steamed jade dumplings: LOVE
Daydreaming of when I’ll meet my husband: I’m lonely.
The names Chole(Khloe), Stella, and Harlow: So pretty!
Pink Barbie Pumps: So girly!

January 17th, 2010

January 17th, 2010 § 3

I wonder why Somnambulist is my favorite song. Maybe it’s the bio-rhythmic vibes, that make me wish I could come apart, dissipate into violet waves, and reappear at will. It’s a song that makes me wish, I were more then just a body. It makes me long, to be an energy. A force of nature. An electric current that makes lights blaze, like they do in revved up videos. Sort of like Madonna, in Ray of Light. I listened to that song today too.

So far, I’ve cussed out reprimanded two co-workers, sampled two guys that I’ve decided aren’t up to par, and eaten enough Nutella to give me abstract dreams And it’s only been two weeks, into the New Year. With the sweet aftertaste on my tongue, I’m happily typing to inform everyone that I’m all about the new. New job. New boyfriend. New games. New Life. And, this seems to be the month of really setting things into motion, and severing old ties.

With the help of Monster.com, and a few others I’ve stamped and e-mailed over forty employers in past two weeks. I’ve had two interviews, and thus far no takers. But I’m remaining hopeful. I’m looking for a receptionist/clerical position. One that will actually give me a salary, that’s big enough for responsibilities and play. On top of that, I’ve put in an application for a housing lottery. The buildings are brand new, and are adjusted to your income. I hope I’m picked. I need a place to call my own, with a pink sofa, large french mirrors, and a bathtub for one. More positive news, is that my P.C is finally running on Windows 7. It’s also got the Rosetta program, Photoshop, and some games aboard to keep me busy. What wouldn’t I do without my friends (guardian angels). They make sure I eat well, and cared for, and they’re always there. God bless them.

As I leave the bad behind, I look forward to all the good things to come this year. Maybe this is the year I’ll meet the man of my dreams. We’ll fall in love, marry, and have bunnies. Maybe my invitation business, will become an overnight success. Maybe I’ll be kidnapped by some benevolent aliens, who’ll take me from this rock. They’ll tell me that I’ve always been one of them, and that they sent me to learn human behavior. I’ll say, “Save them from themselves. And, let’s take Kissy along for the ride.”